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MattFFA

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(no subject) [Sep. 6th, 2008|10:09 am]
MattFFA
I seriously feel like going to buy a bunch of rouffies so I don't know what's going on from today until Tuesday passes.
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State of the Union [Mar. 17th, 2008|11:05 am]
MattFFA
There has been all this talk about the economy lately. Mostly about it heading into a recession. So because of this the Presidential debates have been filled with talk about the economy. So, Matt Shaffer got a little curious about how much the President can actually influence a free market economy. Truth is, not much. I don't understand why the economy is such a huge deal in the Presidential debates seeing as how actions they take don't have an immediate effect on the economy. Whatever actions the next President may take will still take several, several years to even have an effect. That and there is pretty much little any President can do. They're pretty much only limited to lowering or raising regulations on the economy and/or lowering and raising taxes. So, all this economy hype in relation to the President is all bullshit.
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Feeling down is so much easier than feeling happy [Jan. 19th, 2008|04:26 am]
MattFFA
I've been writing a lot more lately. My psychologist had recommended it. I have journal that i literally write in but typing seems like such a better way to convey my thoughts.

Tonight was another one of those nights. It seems like almost every night is becoming one of those nights. I don't know what it was about tonight. I was out with good friends, at a good place, with a good crowd...so what was my problem?

First off, I just want to discuss, I don't know what it is or why I strive so much for my need (it's not a want it's a need) to have a girlfriend. I feel like that's the only thing that really grounds me in this life. Sure I have surfing and playing guitar. But nothing like a girlfriend really makes me want to work to make something out of my life or helps me focus more than that. I'm not really sure why that is. I've just sort of accepted that that is the way it is. Some might consider that it is kind of sad that I have to feel the need for a girlfriend to make me feel that way. Sometimes I agree. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Well, anyway, back to the night. I don't know what it was but I was just bothered. I feel no confidence. Whenever someone takes a picture, I want no part of it. I feel like I'm just going to be the person ruining the picture. Going up to a girl and talking to her? I feel like I could entertain her for a second but I feel that every other guy there deserves the girl more than I do. All this is pretty sad and pathetic. What girl would really want a guy who thought like this? It's easy to put up a front and pretend like everything is okay. Maybe that's why it's easier to find sex than a relationship. Or maybe girls are really just that slutty. Or maybe it is a combination of the two? Who knows. I'm just one man.

The whole thing about tonight was really ridiculous. I thought about it pretty much the whole night to the extent that it ruined my night. Time after time I saw a guy going up to a girl that I thought was cute but I sat there and did nothing because I lacked the confidence. I'd like to pretend I'm better than that but if I was better than that it would be just pretend. Or so I think? At one point I got so irritated that I threw a glass against the floor. I feel like there is a constant anger that is building inside me and I'm just waiting to lash out (hence the broken glass). And I'm not exactly sure what this lashing out is coming from. I feel like it's a mixture of every single feeling in my body coming together and trying to explode. Most of it feels like depression. The depression turning into anger? That feels like a good way to sum it up. I just feel like a lot of this tension is carrying over into my personal relationships with my friends. I'm already dubbed as the asshole. I don't want that image to keep growing of me. But it's so hard.... I feel like it's so incredibly hard to be happy. I know there is a nice person inside of me. But what will it take for me to show that? I'm reminded of when Melody and I first started dating. I felt like I was going through a similar phase. That's when she stepped into my life and calmed me down in a sense. She made me happy. She relaxed me. She gave me a reason that I should try and work hard at life. Similar with Andrea. She also gave me the feeling that I should strive and work hard at things. It's so much easier to do that when someone else is involved. I don't want to let them down. Maybe that's a sign of me not really caring if I let myself down or not. But, why is that? I don't think I really want to let myself down. I definitely know I don't. It's just hard to move ahead when it feels like nobody cares for you. I know I have my friends, my family.....but....nothing is the same as having that someone hold your hand and being by your side, motivating you and keeping you strong....
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(no subject) [Jan. 18th, 2008|01:05 am]
MattFFA
Bitter: To be perpetually pissed off.

One thing never affects me. Whenever one thing breaks my happy mood that one thing can bring back other disappointments that have happened to me in my life and it hits me like a sledgehammer, ruining my mood in a big way. Things affect me so much more than other people.

I was going to go stop by Livewire to say happy birthday to Sunny. I had a feeling it was going to be a letdown. I got there, it was dark and crowded, I couldn't find her. I went there alone. I don't know her friends. My friends weren't there. She wouldn't answer her phone or return my texts so I left. Final text message left to her: Alright. Well, I'm leaving. Thanks for responding. Have a good birthday.

Then I left.

I met up with Jacky, Lucia, their friend, and Brandon. I should have settled in but I was bothered by what happened at Livewire so I already wasn't in a good mood. I feel like I kind of took it out on them. I don't know.... I think I was expecting too much from the night. Oh well.

Also, I'm a little irritated from Emily. Half of that is my fault for talking to Andrea and blowing Emily off though. I still wish Emily would be more straightforward instead of beating around the bush. I feel like something is up. Oh, and then there is Erynne who apparently changed her number all of the sudden.

Oh, and by the way, I fucking hate Livewire. I fucking hate the people there. I hate the scene there. I hate fucking scenesters. I don't really like anything about them. They're all so fucking stupid and irritating and think they're above everybody. I'd rather join a fucking fraternity than be a part of the fucking scene. Keep smoking cigarettes so you just die faster.
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(no subject) [Nov. 27th, 2007|08:25 pm]
MattFFA
I've posed a serious question for myself and even I am not quite sure how to answer it.

If I was face to face with the grim reaper and one door was death and the other was life, I don't know which one I would choose.

First of all, there's a lot of things I love about life. But most of those things I love in life occur in nature without the presence of people. I think in the long run I'd opt for death.
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(no subject) [Nov. 23rd, 2007|05:57 pm]
MattFFA
Life is kind of gay as you get older. Friends aren't so much of friends anymore. Everybody just starts turning into really close acquaintances. They're not as close as friends but too close to be an acquaintance. Somewhere in between really. Everybody just gets so busy with trying to take care of themselves that relationships are hard to continue. Now I know why so many people just stick to their significant other as they get older. It seems that's all there really is in the long run.
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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2007|01:08 am]
MattFFA
If I were to ever kill myself I think I'd beak into a random apartment....find an empty bathtub and then slit my wrists. That would be a pretty random thing to walk home to don't you think? Some random person floating in your bathtub... Well, at least I thought so.
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9/11 Conspiracies [Apr. 30th, 2007|03:02 pm]
MattFFA
So I hope the freeway collapse in the San Francisco area serves as a lesson to all those people who believed that jet fuel could not possibly melt the fuel inside of the World Trade Center towers.

After a tanker crashed and blew up on the freeway yesterday it was hot enough to melt the steel.

But I guess that was just a ploy by the government to make people like me think that steel inside the World Trade Center towers could be melted, right?
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(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2007|01:28 am]
MattFFA
It has been a while since I have updated this.

My hair doesn't look like this anymore.

And yeah...update.

Peace.
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(no subject) [Dec. 20th, 2006|12:42 am]
MattFFA
It's so incredibly wierd to me how people my age have kids.

Damn, I'm slacking.
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