|Feeling down is so much easier than feeling happy
||[Jan. 19th, 2008|04:26 am]
I've been writing a lot more lately. My psychologist had recommended it. I have journal that i literally write in but typing seems like such a better way to convey my thoughts. |
Tonight was another one of those nights. It seems like almost every night is becoming one of those nights. I don't know what it was about tonight. I was out with good friends, at a good place, with a good crowd...so what was my problem?
First off, I just want to discuss, I don't know what it is or why I strive so much for my need (it's not a want it's a need) to have a girlfriend. I feel like that's the only thing that really grounds me in this life. Sure I have surfing and playing guitar. But nothing like a girlfriend really makes me want to work to make something out of my life or helps me focus more than that. I'm not really sure why that is. I've just sort of accepted that that is the way it is. Some might consider that it is kind of sad that I have to feel the need for a girlfriend to make me feel that way. Sometimes I agree. Sorry, that's just the way it is.
Well, anyway, back to the night. I don't know what it was but I was just bothered. I feel no confidence. Whenever someone takes a picture, I want no part of it. I feel like I'm just going to be the person ruining the picture. Going up to a girl and talking to her? I feel like I could entertain her for a second but I feel that every other guy there deserves the girl more than I do. All this is pretty sad and pathetic. What girl would really want a guy who thought like this? It's easy to put up a front and pretend like everything is okay. Maybe that's why it's easier to find sex than a relationship. Or maybe girls are really just that slutty. Or maybe it is a combination of the two? Who knows. I'm just one man.
The whole thing about tonight was really ridiculous. I thought about it pretty much the whole night to the extent that it ruined my night. Time after time I saw a guy going up to a girl that I thought was cute but I sat there and did nothing because I lacked the confidence. I'd like to pretend I'm better than that but if I was better than that it would be just pretend. Or so I think? At one point I got so irritated that I threw a glass against the floor. I feel like there is a constant anger that is building inside me and I'm just waiting to lash out (hence the broken glass). And I'm not exactly sure what this lashing out is coming from. I feel like it's a mixture of every single feeling in my body coming together and trying to explode. Most of it feels like depression. The depression turning into anger? That feels like a good way to sum it up. I just feel like a lot of this tension is carrying over into my personal relationships with my friends. I'm already dubbed as the asshole. I don't want that image to keep growing of me. But it's so hard.... I feel like it's so incredibly hard to be happy. I know there is a nice person inside of me. But what will it take for me to show that? I'm reminded of when Melody and I first started dating. I felt like I was going through a similar phase. That's when she stepped into my life and calmed me down in a sense. She made me happy. She relaxed me. She gave me a reason that I should try and work hard at life. Similar with Andrea. She also gave me the feeling that I should strive and work hard at things. It's so much easier to do that when someone else is involved. I don't want to let them down. Maybe that's a sign of me not really caring if I let myself down or not. But, why is that? I don't think I really want to let myself down. I definitely know I don't. It's just hard to move ahead when it feels like nobody cares for you. I know I have my friends, my family.....but....nothing is the same as having that someone hold your hand and being by your side, motivating you and keeping you strong....